i'm selling my car. 

i suppose it is a good thing, but she is going to the scrap yard and i feel a bit like i am selling my great aunt to 

an organ harvester. 

morbid? yeah just a bit. 

but i love this dear old piece of junk. 

. 

on our way to TN. i made Sarah drive most always. 

 

Verruca was my first car, a gift from my parents upon my graduation from high school

i was cleaning her out tonight and thinking of all of the memories that have been 

made with that silly old car. 

such as 

on our way to harmony hill! loaded! 

just driving down the road..

• my first blow out. at night. driving across the country. at night. on the highway. 
• driving with my dear friend, helping him study (reading and driving is not good) and stopping on the side of the road to smell the hay field. 
• cramming eight people in to go find some indian food and getting lost in Nashville. oh, the funny part? the three full grown guys piled in the rear facing rumble seat, writing notes to those behind us at stop lights. 
• rolling the windows and sunroof down, turning the radio full blast (before the speakers blew, that it) and just driving. 
• always carrying 2 keys since one would always get stuck in the door. 
• getting lost. often.
• the mice that lived in my A/C duct. when i turned it on baby mice and bits of the nest would fall out of the intake. eww! thank you teenage boys for taking care of it!
• all the places we went.
• burning my legs on the leather seats in July.
• the smell when the can of air freshener blew up...it lasted for ever. 
• the night my parents took me to test drive her, falling in love and then them saying no, only to get a key for graduation. 
• the talks that have been had in that car.
• the prayers and tears that have been had in that car. 
• the things that have been carried in that car. 
• the bonding that happened in that car. 

just a glimpse of some of the memories that have been made thanks to that crazy, money sucking, wonderful old car. 

i know its just a bunch of rubber, metal, plastic, and leather but i am still a bit sad as another chapter of my life ends. 

thanks for the memories. 

on the subject of life-

it is all what you allow God to make it. you can screw it up all you want. He is the one that makes it beautiful when you let him.

He gives beauty for ashes, strength for fear, gladness for mourning, and peace for despair.....

His eye is on the sparrow and I know He watches me....

I will sing because I am happy.....

Though none go with me, still I will follow.....

Peace like a river.....

what do you do when you don't know what to do?

where do you go when you don't know where to go?

how to you leap when you can't even take the first step?

i wish i had answers. i wish God would send me some writing in the sky.

i spent today planning out the next six months of school, work (such as all the million places i need to look for a job at), how i am going to save for a car when i hardly make enough to stay in the black as it is, where my life is going, where my like should be going and generally stressing myself out.

i came to the conclusion that planning is a cursed blessing. sure, i got a few things accomplished. but in the big picture i spend the day going in circles.

job>car>job>school>over and over and over with a few other things thrown in there.

see the circles i have been going in?

and you want to know what it boils down to?

fear. lack of trust. worry.

if Christ came back tomorrow i would have nothing to show for today except how much of the day i spent worrying over things that, in the long run, are not the end of the world.

you know the answers to the questions up there?

you read and pray and trust when you don't know what to do.

you don't go anywhere but to your knees when you don't know where to go.

you follow and He will show you where to leap and how to take that first step.

life lessons..on repeat

the lesson of realizing "good intentions, in the end, are still just intentions." seems to one of the ones i just can't grasp. i am usually a very get-it-done-no-matter-how-late-or-tired-you-are person. but lately i am a i-don't-think-i-am-going-to-start-that-just-now-but-tomorrow-will-be-a-good-time kinda person and i really am not liking it. 

for example: i wanted to do the National Health Blog Post challenge of 30 posts in 30 days. i found out about it on day 4 and didn't get to start it till day 5. i tried to get caught up but it just didn't happen. i did what i could do in a few sittings and was almost there, but then life happened (favorite saying..) and my good intentions became plain old intentions. going nowhere, sitting there and collecting dust. i just kept thinking "tonight i will crank some out" "i'll have them done if i do ____ post today"  but oh well..i will just have to try again sometime. until then, 

"You can do anything, but you cannot do everything"

Football+me+6 year old boy=lol!

So I have been having football "lessons" twice a week for a few weeks now. * I think I am a hopeless case..my coach seems to see something there.....He is 6...Oh boy oh boy...

day 5

 NHBPM November 5, -5 things that changed my life. For better? For worse? List 5 things that changed your life as a patient, caregiver, or Health Activist and how.

five things that have changed my life? oh boy...

this was Flo AKA- Florence Nightingale.
 she was replaced by a newer model. he is purple and is not named yet. any ideas? 

1. my insulin pump- i was around 12 years old when i started pumping, which was perfect timing before i hit my teenage years.  eating what i wanted, when i wanted was amazing. being able to eat and THEN bolus without the 30 minute wait between taking a shot and eating?! heaven.. getting up late? YES! being able to stay over at a friend's? finally! my pump was life changing. not only did it improve my control, it gave me the freedom to be a regular kid...teenager...and now adult, just like everyone one else. only i wear my pancreas on the outside.
   
   
2. finding a endo team that lives with diabetes themselves- HOLY SMOKES BATMAN! you know you are off to a good start when your new CDE mentions the DOC and SWAGing at your first visit. 
      seriously though, having a team that really and truelly understands exactly what you mean when you say "yeah, i was high. my teeth were wearing sweaters and everything" or "today's CGM site was a total gusher."  or "forgot to bolus for my ice cream (which was super bolus-worthy, btw) so my bg totally skyrocketed. so then i rage-bolused and was double downing all night which left me with a gluc-over." or "it's a free shower day!" i mean outside the DOC and the select few PwoD who love us, no one would understand anything i just wrote. having the medical side AND the diabuddy side all rolled into one is the perfect combo. 
   
   
3. my dog-Agatha

   Agatha started alerting to low bgs during the night shortly after i brought her home. she was 4 months old and had been given back to the breeders because she chewed up her owners Persian rugs. it was a all out blessing because i had fallen in love with her as a 6 week old puppy but could NOT afford her. thank God for those chewed up rugs! the breeders called me and asked if i still wanted her. OH MY STARS! YES! 

    when she first started waking me up to lows i honestly thought she was crazy. i had heard it was possible but not without lots and lots of training. i was wrong. i didn't do anything with her gift until one night i was not responsive to her. Aggie took matters into her own paws. she opened my bedroom door and ran across the house to my parents room, woke mom up and dashed back to me and back to mom. over and over until mom got the point and came to check on me. i was pretty darn low. she has a gift and now we are capitalizing on that wonderful gift. i have been training her myself for the last year-ish (we didn't do much "real" work while she was a "teenager"..for obvious reasons..in one ear, out the other kinda thing) but this year she has done sooo great! i am at the point in training that i feel i have exhausted my resources and need some professional help. hopefully as soon as i raise $600 or so we can go to school in WA. in the mean time, she rarely leaves my side and we are both better because of it. i am more confidant to stay by my self, my family and i are not so afraid of night time lows, though they do still scare me but over all, i sleep better at night with her snoring by my side. did i tell you how much i love chewed Persian rugs?? 

     4.  the DOC- if anything, this has been the biggest source of encouragement in my adult years. i stumbled upon Kim's blog when i was at my lowest, diabetically speaking . i was in the middle of some serious burnout and needed to know i was not the only one. i was not the only one who felt like they wanted to smash a meter. i was not the only one who ate everything but the kitchen sink when low in the night. i was not the only one living with this 24/7. boy was i not the only one!

    through Kim i found Scott's blog , Kerri's blog , Jess's blog and many others that helped me in so many ways. i hope they realize that they really did change my life. i was able to work my way out of a very long burn out because of what i read, the links i saw, the challenges they posted about. one thing lead to another and now these people are my friends. in real life. and that is life changing. (and i am tearing up writing this!) through the DOC i remembered i can do this 

   5.  Friends For Life- this is where i meet all the people mentioned above and also Sara, C, Brian,  Heather and Becca the diabetes alert dog, and about a zillion other wonderful PWD! it was amazing. i heard speakers that are top in their fields of study, ate lots of good food that was all carb counted for me, hung out at disney, shed a few happy tears, and felt normal. i loved hearing 20 different pumps going off during sessions. the fact that most people just looked at their OWN pocket was beautiful. at the swimming pool everyone had sites on their body and no body looked at yours and asked "what is that hanging from your arm?". we were all the same. we all had busted pancreai (what is the plural spelling??). oh and a highlight? i needed a new sensor put in and wanted it in my arm. well i have yet to master the art of doing it myself when you can only use one hand. so i tweeted a message and a few seconds later Jess said she would be happy to. so she did, with about 25 other PWD gathered around laughing and talking and enjoying the bond that not everyone is lucky enough to have. oh and i have the honor of being the first person "shot" by Jess...other than herself of course. 

so there you have it. those are my life changers. there are many more such as my family! but that would take a million years to write....

his post was written as part of NHBPM – 30 health posts in 30 days: http://bit.ly/vU0g9J