living. loving. changing. learning. growing.

Friday, August 26, 2011

some of the best thoughts and prayers are made 

over a sink full of hot, soapy water.

tonight i am thankful for a sink full of dishes

a well fed family and quiet time over suds.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

"Travel is highly educational, Sir."
" I cannot do with any more education, Jeeves. I was full up years ago! "
-Jeeves and Wooster 

um yes, i was full up years bad i can't just travel.
here is to the start of a new school year.
{reading old blog posts is like reading my journal. if i kept one that is..}

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

August 15, 1996

Me and the siblings  after i was diagnosed. i need to find my "before" pictures..drastic difference a little insulin can make...
on august 15th i celebrated my 15th diabetes diagnosis anniversary. 15 years. 
the days leading up to my diaversary were great. i was excited to be celebrating such a monumental achievement.
 i had wanted to have this blog post done on my anniversary but to be honest, it hit me like a ton of bricks. 
 i had the chance to talk with my mom about that hot august day when we headed to 
Breckenridge Children's Hospital 
and also about the days and weeks leading up to that decision.
..and it was tough. 
i remembered a lot of things leading up to my diagnosis but talking about it and reliving them in my head was much harder than i expected. 
i like lists..lots and lots of lists. 
here is a list of some things i remember about my hospital stay and my summer as an 8 year old 
  • i remember none of my clothes fitting. i was a beanpole with skeleton arms and legs..
  • i remember eating and eating and eating. like the time mom made a tamale? pie in a flan pan and i ate half of it by myself. i felt sooo sick afterwards, but still hungry (i have never liked those flan pans since)
  • i remember driving to my grandparents house and having to stop almost every 15 minutes so i could use the bathroom...even pulling over on the side of the road to go in the bushes. 
  • i remember wanting to nap a lot. what 8 year old wants to nap during the summer? a sick one...
  • i remember drinking constantly. milk, water, juice..anything. 
  • i remember being at brownie girl scout camp and feeling sick, thirsty, tired, but wanting to play with my friends. i remember practically living in front of the water fountain and juice bar ( juice constantly! i am surprised i didn't keel over right then!), i remember asking for seconds and thirds of food or eating the other girls food at my table, i remember wetting the bed at camp 2 or 3 times a night. it was one of the most embarrassing things ever, but thankfully i remember my friend amy helping me and the other girls never making fun. i remember drinking the pool water when we had swim time because i was SO thirsty but didn't want to get out and miss the fun. 
  • i remember walking to a friends house and my legs giving out. i sat in her yard for few minutes till she came out and found me. 
  • i remember going to my piano teachers house (pwd for many years) and my mom asking her to test my blood sugar. (it was 370 something) 
  • i remember going to the doctor and having tests run. i think that was the first time i had ever peed in a cup or had my blood drawn. if only i would have known how many more times those things would happen in my life...
  • i remember going back home after a long day at the doctors and my mom listening to message after message after message of them telling us to come back that night to be admitted. 
  • i remember my mom sending me to a friends house while she and dad talked about what to do. 
  • i remember packing that night and feeling awful. 
  • i remember i packed my favorite barbie doll and my mickey mouse sheets... ( i still have those sheets btw)
  • i remember arriving at the hospital and being whisked into the IV room..
  • i remember nearly passing out.
  • i remember my first finger stick and my mom giving me my first shot.
  • i remember learning about exchanges and testing, ketones and insulin..
  • i remember wonderful nurses and a great child's life center. 
  • i remember walking down the hall with my iv pole and a hideous nightgown that i thought was awesome.  
  • i remember giving my first shot. 
  • i remember my mom and mimi crying
  • i remember crying too
  • i remember some of the worlds greatest friends coming to visit me. they boys let me give them a saline shot and test their finger. 
  • i remember getting goodies, flowers, cards and balloons from people who loved me. 
  • i remember going home and learning how to wait 30 minutes after a shot to eat. 
  • i remember my first really low low..29...
  • i remember the day i couldn't get my bgs to come up or even stay at a safe low level and using glucagon. 
  • i remember having to eat when i wasn't hungry or not getting to eat when i was.
  • free foods
  • i remember glucose meters the size of bricks.
  • i remember long needles. 
  • i remember my granddad not being able to come see me at the hospital (also a pwd-1 for almost 40 years) 
  • i remember carrying a jump rope with me EVERYWHERE! a little on the high side? start jumping..
  • i remember not wanting to eat, take a shot, check etc and my parents being so matter of fact with me that i didn't have a choice but that they wished i didn't have to either. (thanks mom and dad. that was the foundation to my care all these years)
i remember bits and pieces of lots other things but those are the early memories of life with type 1 diabetes.
to be honest, writing this out was a lot more difficult than i thought it would be. 
i was only 8 when i was diagnosed so i have now had diabetes longer than i didn't. with being so young when all of these life changing events took place i have never really processed it or even grieved. i know my parents did a lot of that for me. they have done so much in making sure i was able to live life normally, in spite of diabetes. they carried the burden for many years, and i am so thankful for them.
but it was my turn to work through some emotions that i didn't even know i had buried. 
i am glad i did. 
i can do this. i can live life to the fullest most tip top. i have done this and i have done it well. 
i am ready for the next 15 years of life with my ever present side-kick. 

Monday, August 15, 2011

blowing off the cobwebs.

my sister reminded me of these poems...i think i posted them last year but wanted to dust off the cobwebs that have collected on them...they are just too lovely not to share...

Do you know you have asked for the costliest thing
Ever made by the Hand above?
A woman's heart, and a woman's life---
And a woman's wonderful love.

Do you know you have asked for this priceless thing
As a child might ask for a toy?
Demanding what others have died to win,
With a reckless dash of boy.

You have written my lesson of duty out,
Manlike, you have questioned me.
Now stand at the bars of my woman's soul
Until I shall question thee.

You require your mutton shall always be hot,
Your socks and your shirt be whole;
I require your heart be true as God's stars
And as pure as His heaven your soul.

You require a cook for your mutton and beef,
I require a far greater thing;
A seamstress you're wanting for socks and shirts---
I look for a man and a king.

A king for the beautiful realm called Home,
And a man that his Maker, God,
Shall look upon as He did on the first
And say: "It is very good."

I am fair and young, but the rose may fade
From this soft young cheek one day;
Will you love me then 'mid the falling leaves,
As you did 'mong the blossoms of May?

Is your heart an ocean so strong and true,
I may launch my all on its tide?
A loving woman finds heaven or hell
On the day she is made a bride.

I require all things that are grand and true,
All things that a man should be;
If you give this all, I would stake my life
To be all you demand of me.

If you cannot be this, a laundress and cook
You can hire and little to pay;
But a woman's heart and a woman's life
Are not to be won that way.
-Lana Lathrop 

Before I trust my fate to thee,
Or place my hand in thine;
Before I let thy future give
Color and form to mine;
Before I peril all for thee,
Question thy soul to-night for me.

I break all slighter bonds, nor feel
A shadow of regret;
Is there one link within the past
That holds thy spirit yet?
Or is thy faith as clear and free
As that which I can pledge to thee?

Does there within thy dimmest dreams
A possible future shine,
Wherein thy life could henceforth breathe,
Untouched, unshared by mine?
If so, at any pain or cost,
Oh, tell me before all is lost.

Look deeper still. If thou canst feel
Within thy inmost soul
That thou hast kept a portion back,
While I have staked the whole,
Let no false pity spare the blow,
But in true mercy tell me so.

Is there within thy heart a need
That mine cannot fulfill?
One chord that any other hand
Could better wake or still?
Speak now—lest at some future day
My whole life wither and decay.

Lives there within thy nature bid
The demon-spirit Change,
Shedding a passing glory still
On all things new and strange?—
It may not be thy fault alone—
But shield my heart against thine own.

Couldst thou withdraw thy hand one day
And answer to my claim
That Fate, and that today’s mistake—
Not thou—had been to blame?
Some soothe their conscience thus; but thou
Wilt surely warn and save me now.
~by "Miss Procter"

Saturday, August 13, 2011

something good is coming...i can feel it.

Friday, August 12, 2011

one of my favorite verses

*all credit goes to one of the most darling blogs around- out of alabaster- check it out*

blue candles

i couldn't sleep very well last night. not because i wasn't tired but because my mind would not shut off...

in 3 days i will be celebrating my 15 year mark with diabetes. it's not always been easy but in 15 years i have never had a seizure, been in DKA or had any serious problems.

i am so thankful for all of those things. especially when i see blue candles.  it hits close to home so much more now that i am older and understand that no matter how hard you work at keeping diabetes in check, sometimes it has a mind of its own.

you see, the blue candles are in remembrance of two young girls that passed away this week due to diabetes. one who didn't wake up the next morning and one who had a stroke. 

it hits close to home when you have so many people you care about with diabetes, friends, family and friends who are like family. not to mention myself...there have been scary middle of the night lows, times when i couldn't even call for help or wake myself up fully. i know for me, i tend to down play diabetes a lot. its just a part of life, no big deal. 

until you see blue candles and realize for a moment that it is a big deal. that families are grieving losses that should not have been lost. and it makes me sad. 

so i light blue candles and pray for the families that have lost so much this week.

Monday, August 1, 2011

american idol

i am trying to figure out how to load the video of my brother, Gabe, singing for the american idol tryouts last week. he came in first and is moving on to the next round of tryouts in a few weeks.

oh and during a break in the auditions, my four year old sister Mags got up on stage and sang a song...we have another one in the family....

hopefully i can figure out how to load both videos! they are both awesome.
Part 1

*ok, I am finally sitting down and writing about all things got insanely busy the week i came back from CWD-FFL, almost a month ago! lemme tell ya, it hasn't stopped! but i am making time to write before i forget everything! (impossible to forget everything but it sounded dramatic) *if this seems a bit choppy and pieced together, well, it is. it has been written over several days and many interruptions. please forgive me*

first of all, i have to say, i miss all my new friends immensely! it has been so fun reading blogs and twitter and FB posts because after meeting these amazing people, i hear their voices in my head (in a good way!) when i read their writing. trust me, it makes it even better.

i am going to start at the beginning. (*sings* let's start at the very beginning, a very good place to start...)

my mom was involved in CWD when it first started, shortly after i was diagnosed, when it was a few families needing support, new information and a place to vent. (DOC!) i remember looking at the website (oh how far it has come) and thinking “wow, these kids are just like me!”and it was awesome!

as much as we wanted to, we were never able to attend a conference but it was on our list of things to do. but over the years CWD faded out of the picture for our family, and by the time is may have been a possibility again, attending a conference was not on my list of priorities. heck, diabetes wasn't really high up there either....and so years went by, a1cs crept higher, and i kept on pretending...then through a moment of diabetes


i found the DOC. the first blog i found was kerri's , kerri led me to jess who led me to kim and it spiderweb-ed from there.

suddenly i wasn't the only one.

i wasn't the only one who was up dealing with midnight highs or cgm trouble or wondering where to hide my pump in a dress. there are friends who get it!

my in real life friends and family try to get it. they really do and they are great at it! they know when i am slurring words and need some juice or that me snapping at them was most likely a high talking. my sister helps put my cgm in hard to reach places and always has an ear out for middle of the night alarms..they try really hard and i love them for it.

but sometimes you just need “your own kind”, other people who have busted pancreas' (will someone please tell me the correct plural form?), who have been around the block a time or two..or 50 (who's counting?)

enter CWD, again. i pulled the url from the dusty recesses of my mind and logged on, curious to see what was going on in the world of Children With Diabetes. WOW, had that website changed! there were thousands of members, international conferences, study reports upon study reports and i must say i was a little overwhelmed! i clicked on some of the conference reports from years past and was amazed. then i got excited. i decided i wanted to go. what better way of celebrating 15 years of living with D than to go FFL!? i can't think of any!

.....until i saw how much it was going to cost. there was NO way i could ever afford that. no way, no how....

drat....Scratch that....Oh well..maybe next year...

then i found the Diabetes Scholars link. i checked it out and was excited that maybe i did have a chance of going after all. but as i was reading the requirements i started thinking there was no way i would be picked. i had been in diabetes burnout for years, pretending that i didn't have it! there was no way they were going to pick me over someone who has been advocating, participated and working hard to do the best they can! Sigh

i debated with myself for and every other person i talked to kept saying i needed to just do it, the worst they could say was no...but i just kept procrastinating....and procrastinating...and a little more procrastinating..

it was two nights before the deadline to have the three essays submitted and i was up with a nasty high while everyone else was asleep. so i started writing and writing, the words just gushed out. i felt better.

even if i never submitted them (i was still debating at that point) i felt better. i had my mom and aunt read them the next day, made some corrections, rewrote them once and then again until i was satisfied with my work.

i submitted my essays the day of the deadline...and then promptly forgot about entering.

speed ahead a few weeks- i was at work, wrangling some goats and little kids in the hot texas sun, when my phone buzzed in my pocket. i regained order with the livestock..oh and the kids, and pulled out my phone. one new email, “ congratulations! you have been selected to received a scholarship to CWD-FFL 2011!” NO WAY! NO WAY NO WAY NO WAY! AHHH! I WON!?!? REALLY!??!

i was shaking with excitement as i called mom..and everyone else i knew to inform them that i had won! 

*disclaimer* i was not asked to blog about CWD-FFL or the Diabetes Scholars Foundation. the thoughts, words and opinions are all mine.*