life lessons..on repeat

the lesson of realizing "good intentions, in the end, are still just intentions." seems to one of the ones i just can't grasp. i am usually a very get-it-done-no-matter-how-late-or-tired-you-are person. but lately i am a i-don't-think-i-am-going-to-start-that-just-now-but-tomorrow-will-be-a-good-time kinda person and i really am not liking it. 

for example: i wanted to do the National Health Blog Post challenge of 30 posts in 30 days. i found out about it on day 4 and didn't get to start it till day 5. i tried to get caught up but it just didn't happen. i did what i could do in a few sittings and was almost there, but then life happened (favorite saying..) and my good intentions became plain old intentions. going nowhere, sitting there and collecting dust. i just kept thinking "tonight i will crank some out" "i'll have them done if i do ____ post today"  but oh well..i will just have to try again sometime. until then, 

"You can do anything, but you cannot do everything"

Football+me+6 year old boy=lol!

So I have been having football "lessons" twice a week for a few weeks now. * I think I am a hopeless case..my coach seems to see something there.....He is 6...Oh boy oh boy...

day 5

 NHBPM November 5, -5 things that changed my life. For better? For worse? List 5 things that changed your life as a patient, caregiver, or Health Activist and how.

five things that have changed my life? oh boy...

this was Flo AKA- Florence Nightingale.
 she was replaced by a newer model. he is purple and is not named yet. any ideas? 

1. my insulin pump- i was around 12 years old when i started pumping, which was perfect timing before i hit my teenage years.  eating what i wanted, when i wanted was amazing. being able to eat and THEN bolus without the 30 minute wait between taking a shot and eating?! heaven.. getting up late? YES! being able to stay over at a friend's? finally! my pump was life changing. not only did it improve my control, it gave me the freedom to be a regular kid...teenager...and now adult, just like everyone one else. only i wear my pancreas on the outside.
   
   
2. finding a endo team that lives with diabetes themselves- HOLY SMOKES BATMAN! you know you are off to a good start when your new CDE mentions the DOC and SWAGing at your first visit. 
      seriously though, having a team that really and truelly understands exactly what you mean when you say "yeah, i was high. my teeth were wearing sweaters and everything" or "today's CGM site was a total gusher."  or "forgot to bolus for my ice cream (which was super bolus-worthy, btw) so my bg totally skyrocketed. so then i rage-bolused and was double downing all night which left me with a gluc-over." or "it's a free shower day!" i mean outside the DOC and the select few PwoD who love us, no one would understand anything i just wrote. having the medical side AND the diabuddy side all rolled into one is the perfect combo. 
   
   
3. my dog-Agatha

   Agatha started alerting to low bgs during the night shortly after i brought her home. she was 4 months old and had been given back to the breeders because she chewed up her owners Persian rugs. it was a all out blessing because i had fallen in love with her as a 6 week old puppy but could NOT afford her. thank God for those chewed up rugs! the breeders called me and asked if i still wanted her. OH MY STARS! YES! 

    when she first started waking me up to lows i honestly thought she was crazy. i had heard it was possible but not without lots and lots of training. i was wrong. i didn't do anything with her gift until one night i was not responsive to her. Aggie took matters into her own paws. she opened my bedroom door and ran across the house to my parents room, woke mom up and dashed back to me and back to mom. over and over until mom got the point and came to check on me. i was pretty darn low. she has a gift and now we are capitalizing on that wonderful gift. i have been training her myself for the last year-ish (we didn't do much "real" work while she was a "teenager"..for obvious reasons..in one ear, out the other kinda thing) but this year she has done sooo great! i am at the point in training that i feel i have exhausted my resources and need some professional help. hopefully as soon as i raise $600 or so we can go to school in WA. in the mean time, she rarely leaves my side and we are both better because of it. i am more confidant to stay by my self, my family and i are not so afraid of night time lows, though they do still scare me but over all, i sleep better at night with her snoring by my side. did i tell you how much i love chewed Persian rugs?? 

     4.  the DOC- if anything, this has been the biggest source of encouragement in my adult years. i stumbled upon Kim's blog when i was at my lowest, diabetically speaking . i was in the middle of some serious burnout and needed to know i was not the only one. i was not the only one who felt like they wanted to smash a meter. i was not the only one who ate everything but the kitchen sink when low in the night. i was not the only one living with this 24/7. boy was i not the only one!

    through Kim i found Scott's blog , Kerri's blog , Jess's blog and many others that helped me in so many ways. i hope they realize that they really did change my life. i was able to work my way out of a very long burn out because of what i read, the links i saw, the challenges they posted about. one thing lead to another and now these people are my friends. in real life. and that is life changing. (and i am tearing up writing this!) through the DOC i remembered i can do this 

   5.  Friends For Life- this is where i meet all the people mentioned above and also Sara, C, Brian,  Heather and Becca the diabetes alert dog, and about a zillion other wonderful PWD! it was amazing. i heard speakers that are top in their fields of study, ate lots of good food that was all carb counted for me, hung out at disney, shed a few happy tears, and felt normal. i loved hearing 20 different pumps going off during sessions. the fact that most people just looked at their OWN pocket was beautiful. at the swimming pool everyone had sites on their body and no body looked at yours and asked "what is that hanging from your arm?". we were all the same. we all had busted pancreai (what is the plural spelling??). oh and a highlight? i needed a new sensor put in and wanted it in my arm. well i have yet to master the art of doing it myself when you can only use one hand. so i tweeted a message and a few seconds later Jess said she would be happy to. so she did, with about 25 other PWD gathered around laughing and talking and enjoying the bond that not everyone is lucky enough to have. oh and i have the honor of being the first person "shot" by Jess...other than herself of course. 

so there you have it. those are my life changers. there are many more such as my family! but that would take a million years to write....

his post was written as part of NHBPM – 30 health posts in 30 days: http://bit.ly/vU0g9J

NHBPM November 4- What happens after you press “publish.” Write about your post-blog-writing process. Do you immediately tweet a link? Email it to everyone? Re-read it for spelling errors?

hahahaha! this will be a pretty short post! my post-blog-writing process tends to be something like this.

• hit publish.
• re-read.
• re-read again. 
• sit and think if i said everything that needs said or if i said too much.
• sit some more.
• re-read bits and pieces to someone and get input.
• hit edit a few times while closing my eyes and hoping i don't lose what i just wrote.
• depending on my subject and mood i may tweet a link or post it to facebook. 
• check and see how many page hits i got for a boost of ego and confidence. 

there you have it, more-or-less. nothing special. sometimes i don't even do all of that if it is something i just want to get out and be done with....

This post was written as part of NHBPM – 30 health posts in 30 days: http://bit.ly/vU0g9J

a letter

i first saw this a few days into to National Health Blog Post Month and thought it would be a fun thing to participate in since it is diabetes awareness month. 


since i am starting late i decided instead of trying to get completely caught up i would start on the prompt from the day i first heard about NGBPM. maybe i can catch up from there..to keep record i am going to date this post as thursday, november 3rd, fyi.




Dear 18 year old me. Write a letter to yourself when you were 18. Be sure to tell yourself what to do more of, what to do less of, and what you have to look forward to in the next few (or several) years.


dear 18 year old me,


let me start off by saying I WISH 30 YEAR OLD ME WOULD WRITE US A LETTER RIGHT ABOUT NOW! now wouldn't that be helpful....!


anyway....


congrats on turning 18! that party will be talked about for years to come! especially the fact that a diabetic had an all-out-hold-nothing-back-eat-till-you-are-sick chocolate party..yep, you (we? i? not sure how this whole time travel things works..) totally rock. 


but i know 18 was the start of the "worrying years". you worried about dad coming home after 2 years of deployment. worried about graduation and life after, worried about what God's plan is for you. worried about work. worried about your friends that seem to be losing their minds. worried about the fact that you really do not want to deal with anything diabetes related. you worried, but you were excited and expectant too. it is a crazy mix of emotions. 


i wish i could tell you the next 5 years get better and that it is all rainbows and happy days.. but darling, it is not. there are mountains to climb, molehills to fret over, battles to fight, fears to face and problems to solve. but, there will be lots of good things too, so don't worry. you will be stretched, pulled, tried, and it is all a beautiful part of God's plan for your (our) life. 


graduation will be fun! don't worry, nothing embarrassing happens when you walk across the stage. enjoy every moment of it! it goes so very fast. hug dad a few more times that day. he is having a hard time thinking that when he left you were a little girl still struggling through math and living for the outdoors and how he missed you growing up, learning to drive, wearing make-up and all that goes with becoming an adult.


after graduation you and your best friend  will pack up way too much in the back of your volvo (you got a station wagon for graduation. pretend to be excited, 'cause em really does try hard to keep it a secret) and head to TN. you will LOVE every second of working at Above Rubies. living with your bff will teach you many things (and yes, she does marry him) and some of the friends you make will last.


while you are there you will get a phone call late one night, it is mom telling you that she is going to have a baby. be careful running up the stairs to tell the girls, otherwise you will twist your ankle. mags will be born a few months after you move back home. and its the best thing in the world. enjoy every second of it. you will pull these memories out for years to come.


i am not going to lie. those few months between moving back home, moving to the new house and mags being born are going to be the hardest ones you face until you are 23. but you survive and you don't get sent to jail for wanting to kill some people. living in the little house with a pregnant mother, a new friend who needs a place to stay, your dad after not for two years, and trying to figure out your life is stressful. trust me, i know! don't worry about your high a1c, stress does that to us..


in fact, don't worry about it for a while. the next few years will be rough in the diabetes area. you will be totally and completely burnt out. some-days you will test maybe 1 or 2 times, forget to bolus and you will tone out anyone who tries to say something. it's ok. really. you don't ever have an a1c higher than 9, even though its bad...its not the end of the world. you may want to consider exercising a little more. i wish i would have now....really though, it is all a learning process and you will be better for it. 


between 18 and 23 a lot happens. life. is. lived! you mess up, you win big, you grow, and you wish you could be 10 again. but kid, you do great! you are the example, you are the leader and so many look up to you because of the fruit they see in your life. really. don't try to understand it, just take it and run with it..and don't forget who is blessing you. 


here are a couple tips i wish i would have known: 

• between then and now there will be several guys that come along. it gets overwhelming but it's kinda fun too. oh..the proposal? yeah, say no and watch what happens when you get here. its pretty funny. there will be some tears cried...but trust me when i say "don't drag it out". say no and let your no be no. got it? yeah me either...
• find the DOC sooner! it was a life changing moment when I first read Kim's blog over at http://www.textingmypancreas.com/. one thing will lead to another and soon you will find yourself in FL   @ FFL with 1000s of other type 1 diabetics. it will be amazing. you will meet friends who GET IT and it will make a difference in how you care for yourself. YOU CAN DO IT! 
• don't hesitate so long about CollegePlus! it is great. every bit of it. 
• your sister will become your best friend.. she will also put in all of your arm sites when you get a cgm. teach her earlier than you think..
• make more time to spend in God's word. at some points it will be the only thing that makes sense in your life. 
• it is hard growing up and still living in your parents house. but it is doable and it is worth it. keep at it. keep smoothing things over. your people skills will be put to good use. 
• last but not least: stop being afraid. just stop it. do the things you want, say what needs said, have that adventure. just do it. 

so, there you have it. there are many many thoughts, events, plans, people and things i left out. those you will have to find out about on your own. 

keep your chin and remember, You Can Do It. 

Me

This post was written as part of NHBPM – 30 health posts in 30 days: http://bit.ly/vU0g9J

i first saw this a few days into to National Health Blog Post Month and thought it would be a fun thing to participate in since it is diabetes awareness month. 


since i am starting late i decided instead of trying to get completely caught up i would start on the prompt from the day i first heard about NGBPM. maybe i can catch up from there..to keep record i am going to date this post as thursday, november 3rd, fyi.




Dear 18 year old me. Write a letter to yourself when you were 18. Be sure to tell yourself what to do more of, what to do less of, and what you have to look forward to in the next few (or several) years.


dear 18 year old me,


congrats on turning 18! that party will be talked about for years to come! especially the fact that a diabetic had an all-out-hold-nothing-back-eat-till-you-are-sick chocolate party..yep, you (we? i? not sure how this whole time travel things works..) totally rock. 


but i know you are worried. worried about dad coming home after 2 years of deployment. worried about graduation and life after, worried about what God's plan is for you. worried about work. worried about your friends that seem to be losing their minds. worried about love and lack of it .worried about the fact that you really do not want to deal with anything diabetes related. just worried, underneath all those smiles and the excitement. 


i wish i could tell you the next 5 years get better. but darling, they are just filled different kinds of battles. there will be lots of good things too, so don't worry. but you will be stretched, pulled, tried, and it is all a beautiful part of God's plan for your (our) life. 


graduation will be fun! don't worry, nothing embarrassing happens when you walk across the stage. enjoy every moment of it! it goes so very fast. hug dad a few more times that day. he is having a hard time thinking that when he left you were a little girl still struggling through math and living for the outdoors and how he missed you growing up, learning to drive, wearing make-up and all that goes with it. oh and bring a few extra socks and a new pair of shoes on the trip to Disney World...yours don't hold up so well. 


after graduation you and your best friend, Beth, will pack up way too much in the back of your volvo (you got a station wagon for graduation. you love it. it serves you well till you are 23 and it has 300.000+ miles on it.) and head to TN. you will LOVE every second of working at Above Rubies. living with your bff will teach you many things (and yes, she does marry him) and the friends you make will last for a long time...well most anyway. 


while you are there you will get a phone call late one night, it is mom telling you that she is going to have a baby. be careful running up the stairs to tell the girls, otherwise you will twist your ankle. mags will be born a few months after you move back home. and its the best thing in the world. 


i am not going to lie. those few months between moving back home, moving to the new house and mags being born are going to be the hardest ones you face until you are 23. but you survive and you don't get sent to jail for wanting to kill some people. living in the little house with a pregnant mother, a new friend who needs a place to stay, your dad after not for two years, and trying to figure out your life is stressful. trust me, i know! 


it will cause you to start your own business. it is successful, so don't listen to the naysayers. in fact, you will have a waiting list for YEARS! 

today is type 1 diabetes day. a whole day just for me and the 2,999,999 other people living with type 1 diabetes in the nation. today also kicks off diabetes awareness month, and the Big Blue Test leading up to November 14- world diabetes day. on November 14th buildings and monuments from all over the world will glow blue in honor of those living with diabetes. how cool is that!? pretty darn..

this month i will be posting a little bit more about what life is like with diabetes, some interesting facts, and some diabetes truths. if you have a question, just ask! i would love to answer. 

oh and watch the video and SHARE! :D

real.

dearest friends,

i have been overwhelmed and so encouraged by the overwhelming response of my last post. 

the emails, text messages, notes, tweets, phone calls and comments you have sent have been such a blessing! 

i am always surprised that people read what i write but wow! i didn't think you ALL would respond like you did! 

you all are wonderful and each of you have blessed my life more than you know. 

thank you for letting me be real with you, to share struggles and disappointing moments. 

thank you  for being sunflowers in the rain. 

 *hugs and love*

shay

when it rains it pours...it did rain in real life too. lots and lots of wet mud. anyway, back to the story at hand.

so....if this post gets long winded don't say i didn't warn you...cuz it's going to be. for the record, i hate doing big, broad posts like this as it isn't very in depth on any one thing. i may or may not at a later date write about some of these things a bit more. i like deep things, ya know.

the past two-ish months have been a roller coaster of thoughts, emotions, adventures, hard things, bad days, stress, sickness, diabetes confusion, hard family times, sad happenings and just general "blah-ness" 

don't get me wrong, there have been good things, exciting changes, RAIN!, new happenings, and joy in trials. but overall its been a rough couple months. 

some of the low points have been: 

• my dad lost his job. his contract with the army wasn't renewed so he has been looking for work, though unsuccessful thus far...he is trying not to be discouraged but you can tell its wearing on he and mom and that makes things hard all the way around. men are made to provide, to support their family and when that comes to a standstill it is stressful. not to mention the fact that there is a large family, two farms, bills, etc and none of that stops just because you don't have an income. but i must say, God is faithful in all things and He has been providing in unexpected ways. i just wish a job would come sooner rather than later for papa's sake. 
• my car officially is no more and sky's car is on the blink. makes it a bit hard to go too far without a car and as adventurous as hitchhiking sounds i don't know as i am up for that kind of adventure.
  ....the mechanic said it would be about $1800 to fix mine and even then it could go out at anytime..*RIP Veruca..you have been a faithful mode of transportation...even if you were ugly as sin..*
• i made the hard decision to sell my dairy goat herd. after 13 years of raising some wonderful, quality lamancha dairy goats, i am now down to three does, and they are leaving next week. i am not letting myself think about it too much, otherwise it might just 'do me in'. i love my girls but with the drought, hay and feed are just too much. with dad out of work and me with my hours cut (see below) there just wasn't any good ways to justify keeping them. i have worked hard to find the best homes i could for them though. often sacrificing what they are worth, money wise, so that they could go to families that will love them like i do. one of my very dear friends took the handful of favorites that i just could not bear to sell and that helped my heart greatly!
   it's going to be a strange first year without the craziness that is raising goats. no planning, recording and prepping for breeding this fall, no watching bellies grow through the winter, seeing babies kicking inside huge mamma's, no watching my sweet girls peek their heads out and look at the ice and snow this winter, no more laughing at Ginger hopping from dry patch to dry patch because she WILL NOT get her feet muddy, no more middle of the night checks for laboring does, no more stressful moments of pulling kids and great sighs of relief when said kid is born and all is well, no more watching babies take their first steps and butt around for a teat to nurse on, no more "ping ping ping" of steaming milk splashing into a cold pail, and no more friends in the pasture. its going to take some getting used to for sure. but it will be nice to not deal with stress of sick animals and cost, to be able to go away without having to figure out what to do with the goats and who can care for them. it will be a nice break....once i get over the initial shock of not seeing goats grazing in the field for the first time in 13 years..
• singleness is not all its cracked up to be. and its been a harder pill to swallow the past few months. to be honest, i am not content. *gasp!* i know..i know...i know.. i know all the antidotes that are said for such statements but honestly i don't care. it's not like i am going to rush out to the nearest bar and marry the first man i see. not even close! it's simply that i know i am not called to singleness and i am ready for the next chapter of life to start. especially when at one point, it seemed like it was almost in my reach. but it wasn't. i am thankful for such trials of the heart that bring you to depend on the Lord just that much more. He has been teaching me and i can say i have been taking those lessons to heart. i know He is preparing both my future spouse and myself and i am thankful....i just wouldn't mind if he hurried up! 
• diabetes has been a royal pain. ok, so in the past 15 years its hard to remember a time when it wasn't a pain but its been EVEN MORE so the past few weeks. throwing me curves left and right. and if you know me, you know anything having to do with balls is not my forte. A1C is up .1 since last time, which isn't awful but still discouraging.
  not to mention i have had a WEEK of unexplained ketones. when i say unexplained i mean i was spilling ketones when my bg was 89!!!! and for a whole week! i used more ketone strips in that week then i have in the 15 years i have had diabetes! frustrating thing is that all 4 of the doctors i saw or spoke with were just as baffled. i am on day three of not having any and i am happy. i was really feeling crappy! one good thing that came out of that whole thing is that i now have a new endo team and they are AMAZING! (whole separate blog post but both the endo and his wife, who is the diabetes nurse educator, have type 1 diabetes. BOTH! THEY TOTALLY GET IT! i met with the nurse educator ( who is also a d-blogger) yesterday and wanted to cry i was so happy) 
• my body failed me once again with another likely diagnosis. this time one of PCOS  or poly-cystic ovarian syndrome. crap. oh these moral bodies...it just makes me long even more for heaven. i am still sorting out how i feel about this..i have some serious health and lifestyle changes i need to make now so that i can live long and prosper for a long time. but its so dang hard! but this too will be another post when i sort out my feelings on it. diabetes really does effect every area of your life in one way or another. 
• i am in desperate need of a change of pace. an adventure. something! anyone have any ideas? i am totally open to just about anything. to quote my dear Jo from Little Woman "I love my home but I am just so fretful and I can't stand being here!" 
• my work hours are dwindling at a rapid pace. see also: I NEED A FULL TIME JOB! once again, if you have any ideas, job openings, millions of dollars you want to give me..i am open. 
• stress in electronic form. my mom's van transmission when out, her laptop with years of pics, documents, school plans, EVERYTHING (we call it her brain if that tells you anything) crashed and fried the motherboard all in the same week. the van was fixed (read:expensive) and mom's pc is being worked on to get every thing off but wow, that was a stressful few days at our house. 
• was turned down from the hospital job. bummer! big one. 
• school has yet to start. with all that has been going on i have not been devoting time to studying like i want to. i feel SO behind and i hate that. my friends are taking mid-terms already and i have not even taken any classes....
• my computer is not working right.  its making tutoring classes each morning stressful and interesting...hope to get it in as soon as i have funds. 

so i think those are the bigger things that i remember right now. there is much more that i could write. things that i have been thinking, dealing with in my heart and head, scheming, battling and praying about. but my eyes are starting to close and my bed is calling. ( so is some ice cream and while you were sleeping or princess bride. oh and agatha is wanting some cuddle time since i left her at home all day!) 

thank you for understanding, friends. thank you for praying for me and my family and for all the love and support you pour out. i love you all dearly. 

Philippians 4:13-I can do everything through Him who gives me strength. 

peace, love and diabetes!

shay

nights like this

sometimes i am scared to start typing. 

because i know that once i start, a torrent of words, emotions, and thoughts will come.

tonight is one of those nights.

there is so much going on in my head, heart, home, life and family right now that i don't know

where to start. 

or if i am even willing to let my thoughts become words on a page.

i think for tonight i will say life is beautifully unpredictable in ways i never predicted

and i am clinging to the Rock that is steadfast and sturdy. 

the one where i compare texting to a greasy pizza

in the crazy world of technology and "connective-ness" i feel disconnected.

 i feel like i have, in some ways and to some degree, traded personal, deep connections with people for social media and technical relationships. don't get me wrong,  facebook, twitter, google+ hangouts, buzz, skype, text messaging and instant messaging are all great for quick check-ins or whatnot but not so much for deep, personal friendships and relationships. i want real life. i want deep. i want personal. not fluff.

 i have been relating such things to food. (imagine that, right?)

when compared with a face to face chat over coffee, a phone call or even a hand written letter (yes, people still write letters, and who doesn't love getting something other than junk mail!?) the rest kinda seems like junk food.  and one cannot live on greasy pizza alone. you need a salad to go with it. and sometimes, you just need to drop the pizza all together.

that is where i am. i am going on a diet.

 i am swapping out facebook and texting (for the most part. i will still be texting, but more for a quick "hey you" than for conversations) for phone calls.

buzz, google+ hangouts and im-ing for hand written letters.

and dropping the rest all together. facebook and twitter will be deactivated after the weekend, so if you would like my email, address or phone number, shoot me a message before monday.

 i will still be blogging and if you were to email me, i would defiantly reply. if you text me, i will respond but it might be with a phone call sometimes. after this weekend,  life is going to get just a little simpler.

so, if you are local, lets go to the park or go have coffee. ( i am pretty much broke right now so i will be drinking filtered ice water, but i think it is possible to get a caffeine buzz just from the smell...)

lets plan a movie night or a scrabble game.

i know you are busy and so am i, but let's make time.

if you aren't so local or even if you are and would like a handwritten letter or two, i would love to write you! send me a message with your address and lets keep in touch. i have boxes of cards and stationary just waiting to be used! oh and stamps. lots and lots of stamps, 'cause i am a bit obsessed with cool stamps..and buy them even if i don't need them....yeah i know.....

i may even buy some new pens just for the occasion.

prayer. 

changes. 

things. 

i have been reminded over and over this week that the store houses of heaven are full to the brim. ready to be poured out on those who ask.

just waiting . 

i have been reminded over and over this week that God does not force His will or His blessings upon us, He wants us and needs us to ask. (you receive not, because you ask not)

just waiting. 

i have been reminded over and over this week that prayer enables heavenly  beings to act on our behalf, against darkness.  how many times have i had the opportunity to ask God to send angels to fight for me or another (something they love to do on God's behalf ) and failed to do so? 

just waiting.  

i have been reminded over and over this week that just because an answer does not come immediately does not mean that it is not on its way. the story of Daniel anyone? it took, what? three weeks for Michael to break through the heavenly battle to get to Daniel? what if Daniel had stopped praying and waiting for God to answer after one week?

just waiting. 

i have been thinking about these things ( and many more) this week. i have been reminded, reaffirmed  and flat out told about the importance of being faithful in prayer. 

God is ready, His warriors are ready, the storehouses of heaven are ready! 

if i would just seek Him. ask Him. trust Him. 

now. today. 

there are battles to be fought and battles to be won.

all of heaven is waiting to act. waiting to be sent. ready to answer the prayers of God's people. 

just waiting

"Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you." Matthew 7:7

 "Finally, brethren, pray for us, that the word of the Lord may have free course, and be glorified, even as it is with you." 2 Thessalonians 3:1-2

"I tell you the truth, whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven. Again, I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything you ask for, it will be done for you by my Father in heaven. For where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them.

Matthew 18:18-20

the weather is glorious this morning. 

simply beautiful. 

after weeks and weeks of 100* or more, 70* just makes me happy. 

it's refreshing. 

and it makes me want to 

• go camping
• plan my garden and get my hands dirty
• read a book on the swing
• throw open all the windows
• go for a walk with my puppy 
• dream
• write letters (yes, really)
• make a pot of soup with some homemade bread
• go play Frisbee at the park
• go to the drive-in
• clean up around the farm

my favorite time of the year is right around the corner. 

of course, knowing Texas, it will be 110* next week..

a girl can dream though.

some of the best thoughts and prayers are made 

over a sink full of hot, soapy water.

tonight i am thankful for a sink full of dishes

  

a well fed family and quiet time over suds.

"Travel is highly educational, Sir."

" I cannot do with any more education, Jeeves. I was full up years ago! "

-Jeeves and Wooster 

um yes, i was full up years ago...to bad i can't just travel.

here is to the start of a new school year.

cheers! 

{reading old blog posts is like reading my journal. if i kept one that is..}

August 15, 1996

Me and the siblings  after i was diagnosed. i need to find my "before" pictures..drastic difference a little insulin can make...

on august 15th i celebrated my 15th diabetes diagnosis anniversary. 15 years. 

the days leading up to my diaversary were great. i was excited to be celebrating such a monumental achievement.

 i had wanted to have this blog post done on my anniversary but to be honest, it hit me like a ton of bricks. 

 i had the chance to talk with my mom about that hot august day when we headed to 

Breckenridge Children's Hospital 

and also about the days and weeks leading up to that decision.

..and it was tough. 

i remembered a lot of things leading up to my diagnosis but talking about it and reliving them in my head was much harder than i expected. 

i like lists..lots and lots of lists. 

so 

here is a list of some things i remember about my hospital stay and my summer as an 8 year old 

• i remember none of my clothes fitting. i was a beanpole with skeleton arms and legs..
• i remember eating and eating and eating. like the time mom made a tamale? pie in a flan pan and i ate half of it by myself. i felt sooo sick afterwards, but still hungry (i have never liked those flan pans since)
• i remember driving to my grandparents house and having to stop almost every 15 minutes so i could use the bathroom...even pulling over on the side of the road to go in the bushes. 
• i remember wanting to nap a lot. what 8 year old wants to nap during the summer? a sick one...
• i remember drinking constantly. milk, water, juice..anything. 
• i remember being at brownie girl scout camp and feeling sick, thirsty, tired, but wanting to play with my friends. i remember practically living in front of the water fountain and juice bar ( juice constantly! i am surprised i didn't keel over right then!), i remember asking for seconds and thirds of food or eating the other girls food at my table, i remember wetting the bed at camp 2 or 3 times a night. it was one of the most embarrassing things ever, but thankfully i remember my friend amy helping me and the other girls never making fun. i remember drinking the pool water when we had swim time because i was SO thirsty but didn't want to get out and miss the fun. 
• i remember walking to a friends house and my legs giving out. i sat in her yard for few minutes till she came out and found me. 
• i remember going to my piano teachers house (pwd for many years) and my mom asking her to test my blood sugar. (it was 370 something) 
• i remember going to the doctor and having tests run. i think that was the first time i had ever peed in a cup or had my blood drawn. if only i would have known how many more times those things would happen in my life...
• i remember going back home after a long day at the doctors and my mom listening to message after message after message of them telling us to come back that night to be admitted. 
• i remember my mom sending me to a friends house while she and dad talked about what to do. 
• i remember packing that night and feeling awful. 
• i remember i packed my favorite barbie doll and my mickey mouse sheets... ( i still have those sheets btw)
• i remember arriving at the hospital and being whisked into the IV room..
• i remember nearly passing out.
• i remember my first finger stick and my mom giving me my first shot.
• i remember learning about exchanges and testing, ketones and insulin..
• i remember wonderful nurses and a great child's life center. 
• i remember walking down the hall with my iv pole and a hideous nightgown that i thought was awesome.  
• i remember giving my first shot. 
• i remember my mom and mimi crying
• i remember crying too
• i remember some of the worlds greatest friends coming to visit me. they boys let me give them a saline shot and test their finger. 
• i remember getting goodies, flowers, cards and balloons from people who loved me. 
• i remember going home and learning how to wait 30 minutes after a shot to eat. 
• i remember my first really low low..29...
• i remember the day i couldn't get my bgs to come up or even stay at a safe low level and using glucagon. 
• i remember having to eat when i wasn't hungry or not getting to eat when i was.
• free foods
• i remember glucose meters the size of bricks.
• i remember long needles. 
• i remember my granddad not being able to come see me at the hospital (also a pwd-1 for almost 40 years) 
• i remember carrying a jump rope with me EVERYWHERE! a little on the high side? start jumping..
• i remember not wanting to eat, take a shot, check etc and my parents being so matter of fact with me that i didn't have a choice but that they wished i didn't have to either. (thanks mom and dad. that was the foundation to my care all these years)

i remember bits and pieces of lots other things but those are the early memories of life with type 1 diabetes.

to be honest, writing this out was a lot more difficult than i thought it would be. 

i was only 8 when i was diagnosed so i have now had diabetes longer than i didn't. with being so young when all of these life changing events took place i have never really processed it or even grieved. i know my parents did a lot of that for me. they have done so much in making sure i was able to live life normally, in spite of diabetes. they carried the burden for many years, and i am so thankful for them.

but it was my turn to work through some emotions that i didn't even know i had buried. 

i am glad i did. 

i can do this. i can live life to the fullest most tip top. i have done this and i have done it well. 

i am ready for the next 15 years of life with my ever present side-kick. 

blowing off the cobwebs.

my sister reminded me of these poems...i think i posted them last year but wanted to dust off the cobwebs that have collected on them...they are just too lovely not to share...

Do you know you have asked for the costliest thing
Ever made by the Hand above?
A woman's heart, and a woman's life---
And a woman's wonderful love.

Do you know you have asked for this priceless thing
As a child might ask for a toy?
Demanding what others have died to win,
With a reckless dash of boy.

You have written my lesson of duty out,
Manlike, you have questioned me.
Now stand at the bars of my woman's soul
Until I shall question thee.

You require your mutton shall always be hot,
Your socks and your shirt be whole;
I require your heart be true as God's stars
And as pure as His heaven your soul.

You require a cook for your mutton and beef,
I require a far greater thing;
A seamstress you're wanting for socks and shirts---
I look for a man and a king.

A king for the beautiful realm called Home,
And a man that his Maker, God,
Shall look upon as He did on the first
And say: "It is very good."

I am fair and young, but the rose may fade
From this soft young cheek one day;
Will you love me then 'mid the falling leaves,
As you did 'mong the blossoms of May?

Is your heart an ocean so strong and true,
I may launch my all on its tide?
A loving woman finds heaven or hell
On the day she is made a bride.

I require all things that are grand and true,
All things that a man should be;
If you give this all, I would stake my life
To be all you demand of me.

If you cannot be this, a laundress and cook
You can hire and little to pay;
But a woman's heart and a woman's life
Are not to be won that way.
-Lana Lathrop 

 

Before I trust my fate to thee,
Or place my hand in thine;
Before I let thy future give
Color and form to mine;
Before I peril all for thee,
Question thy soul to-night for me.

I break all slighter bonds, nor feel
A shadow of regret;
Is there one link within the past
That holds thy spirit yet?
Or is thy faith as clear and free
As that which I can pledge to thee?

Does there within thy dimmest dreams
A possible future shine,
Wherein thy life could henceforth breathe,
Untouched, unshared by mine?
If so, at any pain or cost,
Oh, tell me before all is lost.

Look deeper still. If thou canst feel
Within thy inmost soul
That thou hast kept a portion back,
While I have staked the whole,
Let no false pity spare the blow,
But in true mercy tell me so.

Is there within thy heart a need
That mine cannot fulfill?
One chord that any other hand
Could better wake or still?
Speak now—lest at some future day
My whole life wither and decay.

Lives there within thy nature bid
The demon-spirit Change,
Shedding a passing glory still
On all things new and strange?—
It may not be thy fault alone—
But shield my heart against thine own.

Couldst thou withdraw thy hand one day
And answer to my claim
That Fate, and that today’s mistake—
Not thou—had been to blame?
Some soothe their conscience thus; but thou
Wilt surely warn and save me now.

~by "Miss Procter"

something good is coming...i can feel it.

one of my favorite verses

 

*all credit goes to one of the most darling blogs around- out of alabaster- check it out*

blue candles

i couldn't sleep very well last night. not because i wasn't tired but because my mind would not shut off...

in 3 days i will be celebrating my 15 year mark with diabetes. it's not always been easy but in 15 years i have never had a seizure, been in DKA or had any serious problems.

i am so thankful for all of those things. especially when i see blue candles.  it hits close to home so much more now that i am older and understand that no matter how hard you work at keeping diabetes in check, sometimes it has a mind of its own.

you see, the blue candles are in remembrance of two young girls that passed away this week due to diabetes. one who didn't wake up the next morning and one who had a stroke. 

it hits close to home when you have so many people you care about with diabetes, friends, family and friends who are like family. not to mention myself...there have been scary middle of the night lows, times when i couldn't even call for help or wake myself up fully. i know for me, i tend to down play diabetes a lot. its just a part of life, no big deal. 

until you see blue candles and realize for a moment that it is a big deal. that families are grieving losses that should not have been lost. and it makes me sad. 

so i light blue candles and pray for the families that have lost so much this week.

american idol

i am trying to figure out how to load the video of my brother, Gabe, singing for the american idol tryouts last week. he came in first and is moving on to the next round of tryouts in a few weeks.

oh and during a break in the auditions, my four year old sister Mags got up on stage and sang a song...we have another one in the family....

hopefully i can figure out how to load both videos! they are both awesome.

Part 1

*ok, I am finally sitting down and writing about all things diabetes..life got insanely busy the week i came back from CWD-FFL, almost a month ago! lemme tell ya, it hasn't stopped! but i am making time to write before i forget everything! (impossible to forget everything but it sounded dramatic) *if this seems a bit choppy and pieced together, well, it is. it has been written over several days and many interruptions. please forgive me*

first of all, i have to say, i miss all my new friends immensely! it has been so fun reading blogs and twitter and FB posts because after meeting these amazing people, i hear their voices in my head (in a good way!) when i read their writing. trust me, it makes it even better.

i am going to start at the beginning. (*sings* let's start at the very beginning, a very good place to start...)

my mom was involved in CWD when it first started, shortly after i was diagnosed, when it was a few families needing support, new information and a place to vent. (DOC!) i remember looking at the website (oh how far it has come) and thinking “wow, these kids are just like me!”and it was awesome!

as much as we wanted to, we were never able to attend a conference but it was on our list of things to do. but over the years CWD faded out of the picture for our family, and by the time is may have been a possibility again, attending a conference was not on my list of priorities. heck, diabetes wasn't really high up there either....and so years went by, a1cs crept higher, and i kept on pretending...then through a moment of diabetes

SICK AND TIRED AND COMPLETELY FED-UPNESS

i found the DOC. the first blog i found was kerri's , kerri led me to jess who led me to kim and it spiderweb-ed from there.

suddenly i wasn't the only one.

i wasn't the only one who was up dealing with midnight highs or cgm trouble or wondering where to hide my pump in a dress. there are friends who get it!

my in real life friends and family try to get it. they really do and they are great at it! they know when i am slurring words and need some juice or that me snapping at them was most likely a high talking. my sister helps put my cgm in hard to reach places and always has an ear out for middle of the night alarms..they try really hard and i love them for it.

but sometimes you just need “your own kind”, other people who have busted pancreas' (will someone please tell me the correct plural form?), who have been around the block a time or two..or 50 (who's counting?)

enter CWD, again. i pulled the url from the dusty recesses of my mind and logged on, curious to see what was going on in the world of Children With Diabetes. WOW, had that website changed! there were thousands of members, international conferences, study reports upon study reports and i must say i was a little overwhelmed! i clicked on some of the conference reports from years past and was amazed. then i got excited. i decided i wanted to go. what better way of celebrating 15 years of living with D than to go FFL!? i can't think of any!

.....until i saw how much it was going to cost. there was NO way i could ever afford that. no way, no how....

drat....Scratch that....Oh well..maybe next year...

then i found the Diabetes Scholars link. i checked it out and was excited that maybe i did have a chance of going after all. but as i was reading the requirements i started thinking there was no way i would be picked. i had been in diabetes burnout for years, pretending that i didn't have it! there was no way they were going to pick me over someone who has been advocating, participated and working hard to do the best they can! Sigh

i debated with myself for weeks...mom and every other person i talked to kept saying i needed to just do it, the worst they could say was no...but i just kept procrastinating....and procrastinating...and a little more procrastinating..

it was two nights before the deadline to have the three essays submitted and i was up with a nasty high while everyone else was asleep. so i started writing and writing, the words just gushed out. i felt better.

even if i never submitted them (i was still debating at that point) i felt better. i had my mom and aunt read them the next day, made some corrections, rewrote them once and then again until i was satisfied with my work.

i submitted my essays the day of the deadline...and then promptly forgot about entering.

speed ahead a few weeks- i was at work, wrangling some goats and little kids in the hot texas sun, when my phone buzzed in my pocket. i regained order with the livestock..oh and the kids, and pulled out my phone. one new email, “ congratulations! you have been selected to received a scholarship to CWD-FFL 2011!” NO WAY! NO WAY NO WAY NO WAY! AHHH! I WON!?!? REALLY!??!

i was shaking with excitement as i called mom..and everyone else i knew to inform them that i had won! 

*disclaimer* i was not asked to blog about CWD-FFL or the Diabetes Scholars Foundation. the thoughts, words and opinions are all mine.*

dearest blog of mine, i promise i have not forgotten you. life just got a little out of hand when i got home from FL, with all the craziness with buddy (grandpa). i promise we will reconnect very soon. i have a whole week off next week and still have so much to tell you. i miss you! 

love,

shay

could not have been better....CWD FFL 2011

i have sat down to write this post about 12 times in the last 36 hours...and can't seem to get the words out (the tearing up doesn't help either).

how do you sit down and explain the life changing impact a group of strangers had on you?

how do you use words to express what it feels like to walk into a room full of adults with type 1 diabetes and hear more than one pump alarm going off and EVERYONE looks down at theirs?

how can you tell someone about the most amazing group therapy session ever? what was a scheduled talk on transitions as adults with T1 ended up being about 12 or so of us sitting in a circle, passing tissues and totally understanding what the last person just said. totally understanding. that doesn't happen often...people try to relate, to help and comfort as best they can, but in all honesty, it's nice to just be with people who get it.

how do you write about how cool it was to go swimming and see EVERYONE with a pump site or sensor hanging off their arm, leg, back, whatever? not only that, but how after we did the cha-cha slide and cupid's shuffle in the pool everyone had to get out and test! not just me!

how can you put into words the feelings of excitement, joy, nervousness, and sheer bliss upon meeting some of the people that helped get you out of diabetes burn out via their blogs?

the encouragement, information and support i found in the blogs of Kim (hers was the first d-blog i found), Scott , Kerri, Jess and so many others was 100% better in real life! it was great to meet the people behind the computer and to know that they are the same in person and online....AWESOME! not only that, but getting to be part of their group was even better than just meeting them! zee bloggerz rock! ;-)

how can you relate how a group of people, many who had never met in person, became Friends For Life in a week?

the answers to all those questions are, i can't. at least not right now. i am still so overwhelmed that i can't quite get the right words out. maybe tomorrow..or later in the week..after i collect my thoughts and rein in my emotions a bit better..but for now, here are some pictures of some of my new friends for life.

  at the banquet

 my sweet roommate Kristen

 Sara and I at the pool..funny faces thanks to Brian splashing us

pic from Sara

 farewell breakfast...fighting back tears

 

Tweedledee and Tweedledum..and George and Scott

all the adults with type 1. best ever! 

more to come...lots more to come! so many memories and stories.

*stress*

my pictures are gone! where did they go?? all the pictures i posted yesterday have disappeared ! pooof! grrrr.

I didn't hear you say you're sorry
The fault must be mine
I wish you all the best of luck
At finding somebody more like you

You said you'd love me always, truly
I must have changed
Cause you don't need me like you used to
I hope you find somebody more like you

I hope you finally find someone
Someone that you trust
And give him everything
I hope you meet someone your height
So you can see eye-to-eye
With someone as small as you

You came out of nowhere, made me smile
Then tore me in two
Saying, "We're very different people"
So dear, I hope you find somebody more like you

I hope you find somebody more like you